....now wait just a minute

I know I fuck up, so I also know others fuck up also. A friend of mine last year decides to get in the drug game. I'm not proud of what I did when in the late 80's I got in. I'm lucky and I thank God that I survived it. But, I was giving him some pointers on it, doing it. I told him its dangerous and you won't have any friends and family... Well, family is gonna talk shit, but they are gonna want some of what you're doing, money & DRUGS, watch. Well I was running into him every now and then. He's balling' as they say. Looking down on the people who are putting money in his pocket, food on his table, clothes on his back, roof over his head. Well now e is having problems and I don't see how. With the amount he was taking in everyday, he shouldn't have. I told him to alway put away half, trick the half of the half, and the other half is money always in your pocket. The next day, money in the pocket, goes in the bank. You would think he would listen...

I thought this weekend would be a total waste of time. I tell space in their head. Some wise words from day months in treatment. The problem is that sometimes I don't take my own advice. I'm on NY's Metro North, heading to White Plains, NY, and my manager calls me. Since I was on the subway, it went straight to voicemail. I should have just deleted it, but no. He calls and want to know about some damned Boarshead roast beef. There was about 7 people in my train car as it was pulling out of Grand Central...bet they all thought I was crazy the way I was going off on the phone. Why call me about some bullshit like that. What, 3 dollars worth of meat. To top it off, he laughs and say, what, you home already. NO !! I'm on the train, heading out of the city, don't call me foray bullshit like that. My deli manager use to be a boxer. I think he took one too many hits to his head. I was so freaking' wound up right there and then, took the whole 1 hour train ride to deco...

Since I don't have to work on Saturday, my one day off, I decide to go spend it with my ex, my best friend. Yep, I'm sleeping with my best friend. But now she wants me to be her bf again, and I accepted it. So now, I can't call her my ex any more, but its all good. To be honest, I very much happy going to see her. We talk evrty night for about 20 minutes. She understands that I'm not a phone person. But it feels good to be getting away, heading up to White Plains, NY. If I stayed at home, I would have been very much angry with myself. It would be because I had decided to keep my lazy ass home to be bothered by the noise the rest of the apartment makes. They have no respect for those who work hard all week. Out of 5 of us, only 3 work. The one young lady who doesn't work, she watches her Spanish soap operas that she dvr'ed over the weeks. Up all night, sleep all day. Enough of her. Glad that I'm not at work too. I mean for 6 straight days I bust my ass...way ...

Yesterday, while at work, the owner approached me. He told me he was looking at the store video tape and he noticed that I come to work 2 hours early. He said that if I lived in another part of the city, he wouldn't have a problem with it. But I was told that I cnt come in the store until 6 minutes before my shift. I'm looking at this in a number of ways...with what this may mean. I don't clock in when I come in the store, so I'm not stealing time. I come in, have a cup of coffee, read the newspaper and then at 15 minutes before my shift starts, I then clock in. He told me this. He said that other large supermarkets don't allow its employees to do this and that this other guy that use to work here, was stealing time. He would come in, clock in and then sit downstairs and d nothing. He was fired. The owner said that even though I don't clock in, its giving the deli manager the option to come in when he wants to cause he knows that I will be here to cover him. He ...

I'm me, to know me, to know what I came thru and have done...well, I think I've accomplished quite a bit. My past are like demons. I'm afraid of them and they are a part of me everyday. We all have demons, but mine are, were, the worst kind. I'm not proud of them. They are still a part of me and I embrace them every waking moment and every breath I take. Remember the crack craze of the 80's, well I was a victim. You can say in a way I'm still am. Not because I use, cause I gave that up some time ago. Its like with and when you drink and then you stop. You're still a drinker no matter what. But MY addiction is totally different now. I don't use, cause I don't want to lose. People say that I'm crazy, that I act like I'm having so much fun, I am !! To know what I've been thru and how far I came from that madness, you would be happy for me. My family remembers, but they don't forget what I put myself thru. Strange thing is, its means no...

I've had time t think about things, think things over. I'm not the one that jumps to any conclusions, I try not do that. At times I do, then I catch myself. But.. Why do people 'bash' each other? I played it safe and said people, what I really meant to say was, why do women bash men? Hey, I know men, me..were aren't the most realiable of the two species. Shit does come up, ad sometimes it more important than what we planned to do. Okay, I going in. This isn't to anyone special, its in general, from what I've seen and heard. So that man in which you produce child with, turns out is a piece of shit. So, do you stop seeing him when, 1, you kicked him out, or 2, when he started beating your ass? No, you didn't. And..now you wanna know why, me, or any other decent person who is looking for a reaatinship wth a fine ass woman of your standings. You want to know why we walk away 2 dates with you. Oh, could you have done some planning in advance, like... if you...

I was talking with my dear mother yesterday. My convos with her are always interesting. Last nights, had me thinking and looking at my mother in a whole different way. By the way, she turned 76 in December. I asked her about my little brother who is a lawyer. She told me that his firm just purchased two additional floors in this building in Manhattan, and that he has quite a large office. And..that he is surrounded by 4 Rabbis. Now I know what a rabbi is, both religious, and other wise. Then she dropped something on me. She asked me did I have a Rabbi. Found out that.. My Grandmother who worked for the Post Office, had 2. My mother had one, when she was a Chief Social Worker for The State of New York, Office of Mental Health, now my little brother has 4. She wondered why or when was I going to attain one. And that had me thinking. A Rabbi is a person who looks out for your behalf at the work place. I think its the work place,but it could be work related, at another location that's ...

Last night, I went to sleep, was very tired. I didn't turn off my ringer on my cell phone like I always do, forgot. At 10:21pm, I get a phone call. It was my housemate's bf calling, that's what the caller I D said. I answered. It was my female housemate on the phone, she wanted me to come downstairs and open the door. See, things getting off on the wrong foot already. I go downstairs, no coat, flip flops. There's a crowd of people around the front door. All I did was unlock the door, turned around and went back upstairs to my room, my bed. I waited 1/2 an hour, then I went to see what's up. One of the people that was standing outside, was her mother. She flew in with them from DR. So now the mother & father are here in the apartment too. The 2 sisters have been gone for a month, so I doubt if they have jobs to go back to. The aunt & uncle, who came back about 2 days ago, were in their bedroom sleeping cause they both have to work in the morning. Everyone els...

I believe there is a God, a Higher Power. I more believe this Higher Power is male, can't see a female doing this job. With that said... Don't you think God sees everything we do..better yet. He knows everything we are ABOUT to do, BEFORE we even do it. Deep right? So its reason to believe, also, that He is aware of our feelings, knows what's in our hearts, right? So explain something to me then. Why don't most people speak what's in their heart. Another thing. I know this customer, female, she stop coming by the counter for a while. I saw a woman who looked just like her so I thought it was her daughter, turns out, it was her granddaughter. The GD's mother then walk to my counter, and out of earshot of the GD, I said out loud, you're beautiful. I started talking with her, but she got all religious on me. I had enough and asked her can I just say something, this is what I said. Why did you just ask Jesus to help you. He did already, he bought you to me. Or w...

That's it, I give up. I give up trying to figure people out. For now on, I'm going on what 'I' know. And I know a lot of things. One... The only person you fool when you're trying to fool others, is yourself. Think about it, don't you think or even have a clue that that other person may know the deal already? It has nothing to do with my looks, you made that perfectly clear. Its that you are, after all this time not dating, you are not comfortable with the way you look. I told you, you look fine, more than fine. Stop comparing yourself to others, they are not you, and you are not them. You seemed interested to me. We have got together among other people, coffee, window shopping, you hugging me, kissing me on my cheek and even on the lips. You apologized for slipping your tongue in, I was just thrown off cause I wasn't expecting that and I told you so. So, you're opening up to me and you are enjoying yourself. Your hugs state that you want to go to the ne...

I give advice if you ask me. It could be on anything, I will give you my say so, your choice. Casein point. Co worker says that her childhood boyfriend got in touch with her, and he keeps calling annoying her. Why did you give him your cell number first thing? So what do I do, she ask. Here is my say. Her present day boyfriend, who is in another country, which she hasn't seen in 3 years... see, where I'm going? I told her to do this, cause he is coming to meet her 2 weeks. Talk with him on the phone. Tell him that your are engaged to be married, but haven't seen your boyfriend in 3 years, but this is what you want to do. Being that we were an item when we were young, tell him you want to hook up with him. Let him make all the arrangements. Ehas2 weeks to get it going. She said they were an item in their country when she was 14 years old, and doesn't know what he looks like now. It doesn't matter, you're using him for one thing...SEX !! Believe me when he sees yo...

I can understand that you come from a country where jobs are nowhere to be found. That your way of living your way of living is so far below the poverty line of MOST third worlds countries. Ya gotta do what you gotta do. So you sneak into the Great U.S. Of A. But what you fail to realize, cause frankly, you could care less than a fuck, that's its illegal to do so. But hey, MILLIONS of people do it every year, AND get away with it. So why not give it a shot, you risk sneaking into America. One thing though, it takes money. Its either you continue working in your country, saving up the money, or... You get in contact with someone who can sneak you in for a price. Part of that price is that you have to work for him to pay him back for his time and troubles he took to sneak you in. There's a lot involved with smuggling people into America, and I don't want to go into all that right now. Its just...it takes job and money away from people HERE, who really needs it. It just sicken...

That's the title of a song by the band named Tool. You really have to listen to the words of that song. It all boils down to this... Learning to swim means, you have to learn how to deal with shit. Deal with what you have. Learn to live on less. People are too materialistic to me. They have to have the latest styles. The dollar is continuing to be worth less and less. Our government is printing up more and more money, that's why the dollar isn't gonna be worth the paper its printed on. Think about it, do you really need those 300 dollar shoes? Or you guys, do you really need 200 dollar Jordans? I see it this way also. Could you as a person survive on the streets if you were to lose it all. Your job, place where you live, could you. Do you know how to use the system, Public Assistance to get back on your feet again, to start over? Most people don't. They figure getting their toes and fingernails done is something they HAVE to do every week. No, having clothes, decent aff...

My job..no, my career, brings me in contact with the public. To say that I have to look my best at work, is an understatement. I'm not that type of deli clerk just to be standing there and JUST do your order. I can feel your moods no matter what they are. I'm not talking about you guys...female customers. Aaah, female customers, I love you all. No matter what you look like. I cold care less if YOU think you're over weighted, you're lovely and God's finest on the face of this planet. This includes the married ones also. Especially you married ones. I can tell if you're married even though you don't wear your rings. I can tell if you just have a boyfriend, even more, I can tell if you're single too. I'm not going to tell you how I know, but I can say its all in your body movements. Its a tell, a sign you all give off. Nope,not gonna tell ya what it is. I will tell you one thing though, its all in the eyes. The eyes say everything, they sparkle. Case in...

So, one of my co workers in the deli is leaving the job. He spoke with me about it. They were wanting to fire him, but we have sort of a strong Union. So what they did was give him the minimum amount of hours , 16, no Sundays, and hope that he quits. He found a job working construction. I asked was it indoors, it is. A position is open now, and we have applications for the deli and was gonna start calling people for interviews, but get this. The store manager came to us, the deli manager and me and said, in one day, that the next day, yesterday, a guy is coming in to train. He said its a friend of a friend, he has no experience. Me being me, I asked, is he white, Irish? The store manager said yes. Spider se...., well you know. The guy comes in to train and I ask while training him what did he do? Corporate cubicle guy, aid off, but they will call him back. Isn't this some bullshit. How in the hell you do something like that when we have crazy applications from people who come in b...

I had promised, not made a resolution, a promise. To be on my best behavior this year...well, for the better part of the year. Hell, who am I fooling. I tried, but she just was standing there and she gave off a signal...like come and talk to me, so I did. No man, no children, of around my age, 45 and lives with her parents. So I approached her. She was very shy until I said lets get out from the cold, coffee shop. We talked for 2 hours, maybe more I think. Exchanged numbers, both of us not phone people. She is meeting me after work on Tuesday, wants to see how I live. I know I said to myself that I would no longer do this. Just start talking with women on the street and to see where it goes. But, like I said, she was looking right at me, not thru me. When we left she told me not to break her heart cause it has been broken so many times. Oh God, one of these. I'm just gonna be me as always. --michaelchappell

--michaelchappell