Big Dummy

About 5 years ago I met this woman online. She was from VA, but moved to NYC. I asked her can we meet in person.

I asked can we meet in person. She lived about a 20 minute walk from where I lived at. All I had to do was just stand outside in that area and sooner or later I would have seen her. But being the 'nice' guy...when she said no, I left it at that.

Over the years she stayed in touch with me, always reaching out to me first. I mean if you don't want to meet me in person, I don't want to talk to you over the phone or even text with you. But with her I contin9 to do so for some strange reason. Every time she call or text, she would tell me about the relationships that she is in.

But these relationships weren't healthy for her because sooner or rather right at the beginning of them she would tell me how the guy was and is and what he is doing to her. I told her I don't want to her about your bad shit that's going on in your life. Why do you feel you must tell me this shit. She would agree and then do it all again over and over. Well, this time around she got herself into some shit.

She told me that she met this guy who walks past her building every day. She says he is tall and good looking and then one day he started talking to her. All that she told me was a lie. All she told me was a lie as... Every damn thing. This guy lives in her building. He is seriously in dope, heroin. He takes her stuff out of her place and sells it. She gave him her debit card, EBT card...and taken all of her money. But she is still with him for the simple fact that he eats her pussy good, her words. 

I told her a little while ago that I don't want to hear any more about this guy for the last 4 months you have been talking about him. It's like he makes you miserable, so you pass your shit in to me. Calls me at 9am to tell me some more bullshit he did to her. Like why tell me, and then you agree with me saying you're going to leave him alone. That she said she is going to write a note to him. WTF, a note?!!! But you won't learn until he starts beating the shit out of you... Or when he starts telling his friends to come and scare you into paying off a fake debt he owes them. But he will make it all right with you by going down on you.

But what you do.. Take me for example. You give me some bullshit excuse when I did travel up to NYC and I offered you $50 a night plays dinner ton stay with you until I left. She would have made $100. I wouldn't have made a move on you unless you told me to. But no, after you agreed, you changed you mind. Which you have every reason to do so but.. But the excuse you gave me showed me just how fucked you are and I am glad I didn't stay with you.

Shebtalks about how fucked up thebpeople are in her neighborhood, about the drug addicts and things. But here you are fucking with one for real. So I told her that she gets what she deserves. She has low self esteem. That she won't listen. That when he starts beating on her, talking her money and she can't or doesn't have anything to eat...

I told her I don't want to hear any more about your so called problems. You created them, you deal with them.

Some People Have Me Questioning Myself at Times

I know this happens or supposed to happen like normally. But I seriously ask myself...wait, WTF!

For an example... There is this woman I know, she dips and dabs... No, she is fucked on her drug use. Listen I'm not angel, I use also but there is a difference between her use and my use. Not saying I'm better at, or I'm not like her but... But I've seen a change in her overall every fucking thing.

Okay, I'm looking at her and how she has changed and in the same sense she is saying that I have changed also. But I'm saying to myself not as much in physical appearances like her looks, her ways of walking, thinking and talking. Her way of thinking is what fucks me up.

She told me that after listening to me last night, that she thinks I need to get some help. This is coming from a woman who at 10am told me she was leaving her house to come and see me, but didn't walk thru my front door until 6pm. She was using public transportation, and only had to catch two buses. Total NORMAL travel time, 1 hour 5 minutes. I said maybe she stopped at one of the many stops on the second bus..no, it wasn't that. She got off that first bus, walked in the wrong direction to the next and only bus that was parked there..she walked AROUND the bus she got off, and then ENTERED that same bus. Rode this bus 3 times and did the SAME thing THREE TIMES! This wasn't the fucked up part though.

The bus driver, he saw her do this FOUR times. It was amusement to him. Something to fucking have fun with in his boring as job as driving a shuttle type bus to and from a very small community, an area that he is well aware of. How I know this is what happened and I wasn't there? A friend of mines who drives the shuttle type bus in my town texted me and told me to call him. He asked me about a friend of mines. I asked why. He said one of the drivers in another town told him about this fucked up Black woman who didn't know where she was going, seemed confused. Spent his boring couple of hours watching her thru his review mirror of the passenger bus, getting off the bus and just walking around it for four times and then getting back on the bus. This driver did nothing to help her, she figured out herself and got in the bus to my direction and town.

But I was fucked up, I fucked up. Because when she did arrive I sort of lit into her about what took her so long. She lied and told me that she fell asleep on her sofa when she was waiting for the bus to come. I didn't know what she went thru, what she out herself they getting to me. Now that I know I feel really fucked about the whole thing, the way I acted towards her when she did arrive. 

When she walked into my apartment, she could hardly walk and looked as if she was about to fall flat in her face. When she left the next morning, this morning while I was still sleep... When she got home, she started with the text messages on how my drug use has changed me. And that's when my friend texted me about her.

But I'm the one that is messed up on drugs, so she claimed. What messed me up and still has me questioning myself is... Everything she is texting to me, I see it in her. This has me wondering does she not know what is happening with her, and is she really seeing this in me. It has me all confused.

One thing that is going on is that she is telling me she won't text me any more. Then she texts me again and again. So what I've taken to doing is not responding right away. I use a delayed text app, send the text automatically 3 hours later.

May 15th... Yeah I Know Today is The 17th.

Two days ago..a year ago I retired. Well, I took early retirement at 62.

On August 21st, 2022, I fractured my Tibia and dislocated my ankle. Operation in September 6th had me no wearing two mental thingies, one on each side of my left calf, being held together with 4 screws on each side. Here it is May 17th, 2023...and all I can do on my left foot is wiggle my toes. My ankle is still swollen and numb. About two inches above the ankle and the whole door from my toes and the bottom, my soul of my left foot is numb.

Sometimes my whole left leg just starts 'dancing' on its own, it jumps 2, 3 times like it has a mind of its own. At least twice a day, I get these sharp pains in and around my ankle that makes me see God. The pain is so sharp that if I have anything in my hands, I drop them because it feels like I'm about to topple over. 

Most days I can barely walk or out any pressure on my left leg period. It's not the whole leg that Hurst and is constant pain. It's walking on/with my left foot. But there are days when I wake up and I have no pain, it doesn't feel or even look swollen. I wish there were more if those days.

A little while ago, I wanted to see what my Facebook page looks to other people. It's a setting called 'View As'. I know one thing, what I see I sure hope others who visit my page don't see that. What I see when I normally click or want to post something looks like.. it looks interesting. But in that 'View As' setting, it looks like I haven't done anything.

Facebook, get your act together.

How I See It.

Take your average man, me for example..

When I first see and look at a woman, there is a Check List that runs thru my head.

1. What she is wearing, the clothes she has on and where she is at when wearing them.

2. What she is 'Spotlighting'. What she has on her person, what she wants me to look at and pay attention to.

3.Her Face. Is she wearing a lot of makeup, barely makeup, or no makeup at all.

4. Her 'Overall Being'. Where she is at, does she feels comfortable, uncomfortable, uncomfortable and nervous, and too comfortable. 

5. Her shape. Curves, are they natural. Too curvy means she works out, but how long is that going to last. Curves With Pouch..means she doesn't work out and everything you see is JUST HER.

6. Below the Belly Button & Above the Knees. The most important part of her. A: Am I fucking her? B: She would be fucking me. C: We fucking each other. D: Ain't No One Fucking No One.

    6a: The shape of that area. Men can tell just by the shape on or if and of the above in number 6 is going to happen.

All of this happens in my head in a matter of seconds. Years ago I us to act on impluse, no longer do I. Oh, I will show an interest, but doesn't mean I have to act right then and there. May be things going on in her life that may have to take some time to attend to before she can get at me. But then again, some times things need to be acted upon right then and there also. Depends 

WOW.... I Don't Even Get Slightly Angry Anymore

 Shit just doesn't bother me anymore like it used to.

I'm not saying that I was a hand grenade that was just exploding all over the place, no not that. It was more or less that people just didn't know how to act, or be Human...and when they acted like that around me, I would become physically upset. I would raise my voice... 'Why the fuck are you acting around me like that? You know damn well that I don't act like how you're acting. Displaying yourself like you were brought up in a cave, walking barefooted and don't know what shoes are for.' It was bad, I would actually SHOW how disgusted I was with that person right then and there. I figured out why I was like that too. Oh, there were many reasons, but two come to mind.

All the following reasons are bunched together as one of the two.  Manners. Even though when I was young it wasn't considered having manners. It was called if you didn't act right around y mother, she would bust our asses. Didn't matter where it was either. It's embarrassing getting your ass beat down in public, and the girl you have a thing for in your 6th grade class is standing right there, mouth open as my mother is going bonkers on me. Of course, I didn't feel any pain..because my sweetheart was looking.

Stupid Shit. I mean if you say something stupid, and you're walking with me and we are passing people by and they hear the stupid shit you're saying... They are not only going to think you're a dumb ass, but I am one just as well. (Clears throat)... I am NOT a dumbass. Okay, maybe sometimes I will say something dumb, not stupid, big difference...but straight away I will clarify what I am saying. It's just sometimes what I think in my head, at times has a hard time communicating with my mouth. 

I said it was two things. I'm retired. I don't care what others do now. Put it to you this way... I no longer have to rush and take care of business, so I can have enough hours of sleep and rest. I don't care what others do or say anymore. If I don't want to do anything, I don't have to. 

I'm more even-tempered. I ley shit sly because..well because it isn't worth getting angry over it anymore. I can spend 5, 6 days at home by myself and not even have to leave the house. I'm supposed to go outside and smoke cigarettes. Hell, I smoke in my apartment, I don't care.

Some Don't Know...and They Now Wish They Didn't Know.

This guy made a comment on a post, and then had a disclaimer. So I reply back to his disclaimer, since he said he was only joking. This is what I said.

Okay just hear me out. I'll take it that you know how to do research. 

Starting simple... At one time there was a small amount of cocaine in Coke a Cola. I don't know your age, but do you remember the commercial on TV... 'Things go better with Coke.' Do some research on that first.

Then there's LSD.... Timothy Leary. Read up on him. Then, Scientists AND OUR Government STILL to this day are experimenting with LSD, 'The Good, Bad and the Far Out Man!' An article... 'What is Said to Be Bad For You, May Not...' That's a very old article, I think it was scrubbed from the internet.

Then a little as a couple of weeks ago,  'Crack is Back and This Time it's More Affordable.'

I'm going to keep it real. I tried and smoked Crack, enjoyed it...and WORKED to support my 'Habit'. Tried  Meth too but.. I don't get it. I mean, it doesn't make me high, doesn't get me high. It's like I did a hit of acid but.. I can go to sleep and eat my ass off. 

Yeah, I smoked weed. Enjoyed it in and up to my mid 20's. But weed is a downer, makes me lazy, and makes me not to want to do anything. So I don't smoke weed any more. I don't do drugs any more for the simple fact, it's all crappy, and nasty. 

I'm going to give you an example... Back in the days McDonald's Big Mac was a BiG Mac, a huge burger. Look at your present day Big Mac, 3 bites and it's gone, but ya gonna pay..don't know the price nowadays, but I bet it's a lot. But the burger is smaller, way smaller. At least twice a year there was a promotion, 99¢ Big Mac. Haven't seen that in at least 20, 30 years. Same thing with drugs as with a Big Mac. The ones getting strung out, are getting strung out on garbage.

Just saying things aren't always as they seem.