Last Night...

.... I was transferring pictures that people who had posted on my timeline of my mother, to an online storage account. And then it hit me, the grief.

I never in my life have felt pain like that ever before. It all started with just knowing that I won't be seeing my mother anymore. It was like some one stabbed me in my heart. Mind you now, I am a strong mined and strong willed person, but this pain was like nothing, I can't even describe it. So, I'm not even going to try.

One of my mother's many wishes, which I've learned through my sister, was that she didn't want any type of notice displayed in her building lobby. When my sister told me this, I didn't know what to think. But I do know this. In life you come across people that you meet, some stay as friends, and some become enemies. We know of these types of people. But you know what, there is another side too.

A lot of people 'knew of' my mother and never even met nor spoke to her. It was others that spoke of her TO others. That's why when its my time to go, I'm making it known now, I don't want anyone to be sad. I know I don't and can't control anyone's feelings, but I want people to party as they feel fit on my behalf. I want the living to have a good ass time. I want those who had stuffy shirts attitude and a stick stuck up their ass, to let their hair down. Be like the people from the movie The Hangover. Just have clean safe fun on my behalf...be it whatever you call fun, I don't care. What I eat don't make YOU fat.

There, I said all my grief. Of course there is more, but its mine, not to share. I love you Mom, I always will.

Wanda C...

I spoke of her in past postings, but we go back a ways.

Wanda had 3 other sisters and one brother. Well, 2 brothers, but back then I only knew her one brother, Clyde. Clyde and I use to hang out. My family's apart was directly over theirs. Clyde and I had cut a hole in my floor in my room, he had a room to himself too, directly below mine's. I had a big thing for his sister Wanda.

Years went by, and Wanda reached out to me thru Facebook. The last time I had seen her, I think I was in the 9th or 10th grade. Our families moved, we each went our separate ways. We met again about 2 years ago and it was like we picked up where we left off at. But then, one of her son's was getting out of jail, and she wanted to set up house to greet him. Moved into a better apartment, and her other son, moved in also. What stopped us from going forward...it was her doing the right thing, which surprised me. She wasn't the one who slept around with other men, I was her 2nd lover. She wanted to show and continued to show a good impression on her 2 sons, I can really understand that. But I wanted to be with her, and she wanted to be with me. She felt uncomfortable with me in her bedroom and her son's setting up in the livingroom as their bedroom. But that didn't stop her 2 son's from getting their thing on with her in the house though.

Wanda text me this morning and told me that she also was at my Grandmother's funeral. I was shocked. Its like this to me now. Wanda is Family. I told her about my mother's death, and she must have been thinking back all those years ago and put 2 and 2 together.

I Just Don't Understand...

...I mean, I shouldn't be the one...but then again I should say something. But I will wait until after the services.

My mother had once told me that when one of her cousins had died, her sister went with another family member to the cousins house. This was before her only living daughter, who lived a good distance away, upstate, could make it down to her mother's apartment. By the time the daughter got there, all the jewelry, was either taken or all the good stuff was missing. Something like that happened a little while ago.

I have been living with my mother for over 2 years. Upon her passing, I only went into her room to turn on the light for her cat, and to check to see who buzzed the intercom downstairs. I wasn't expecting anyone, and the only person who does that would be the mail woman. My mother gets a lot of mail, too much to fit in the box. Anyways, that's the only reason I went into her room. Today, my brother and 2 sisters came over to pick something out for the viewing and for the service. They were going thru all of her draws, looking for I don't know what. My sister mentioned something and I took offense to it.

She said that when she was over here when my mother was in the hospital, before she left, my mother said to make sure she gets the diamond earrings that she had in the drawer. She said that their were 5 pait=rs of them. Both of my sisters said that they weren't in there. One sister said it in a way that she was sort of like, I took them. The other sister didn't say a word. Mind you now, the one that didn't say a word, when she came straight over, went straight to the bedroom. I wanted to say something, but if I did, I guess I would've made myself look guilty. I just don't like what was said or not said...accusing is the word.

Being that my mother is no longer here, so, I will have to move out of the apartment, which is a Condo. No biggie though. I have no job, but searching, but that doesn't stop me. Since she past away, I made up my mind with what I am going to do.

02/17/20$, 12:11am

...that was the time I got the phone call. I knew it was coming, but I thought I had at least..3, 4 days. I didn't.

My mother...passed away. It sounds strange to hear my inner voice say that. Sounds even stranger when I had to inform people. But you know what, I don't tell them with sorry in my heart.

I truely believe in Heaven, The After Life and even coming back as people and or even animals. No sorrow, no pain in my heart, just loneliness. Its like I lost a Best Friend. Wait, I didn't lose her, she left me for bigger and better things. No pain, no hurt...no murders and no crimes. She isn't no longer in any more pain. I can see her now smiling and cursing whoever is in Heaven...'Okay motherfuckers!!'. She will be the only one allowed to curse in Heaven. I don't see why not. My cousin has his own church and he is the Pastor. She went to service for the first time, and my cousin started messing with her. They love to hear her curse, so starting with her in church, I bet they planned it all out.

She was confined sort of to the house and that's why I have been living with her for over 2 years. It was hard for her to walk, so she got a scooter. This is coming from a women who was use to driving herself around in her own car. I went out with her on that first day in her scooter and just like while she was driving...cursing people out and twlling thwm to move out of the way. So use to a car, the gas and brake on the floor. Not on a scooter though. So she was running into people, banging into the elevator, trying to stop from hitting the far wall. Turning corners and scraping the shopping bags off the scooter. At leat she gave it a try.

I had to tell the people in Rite Aide what happened. They were shock. One of them in the Pharmacy told me that when the Head Manager of The Pharmacy Department paid a vist to Rite Aide, she was watching how he was interacting with the coustomers. I was told she told him that he would mess up a wet dream. That was her all right.

On January 1st I went out of town. I kissed her goodbye and told her I would be back in 2 weeks. My other family members would be checking up on her. I got a voice message from her Medical Alert company, that she had fell and was taken to the hospital. It was her 2nd fall of the day. Earlier, she fell, ut refuse medical attention. But this time they wanted her to go to the hospital.

I honestly think that there was nothing wrong with her. If you don't know, the elderly are nothing but a blank check to doctors & hospitals. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks, found out she was taking 4 different tupes of medication to lower her blood pressure. That was why she was on oxygen, but she still wasn't getting enough air. After the 2 weeks, 3 weeks of rehab. 2nd week...she wanted to leave, but they wouldn't let her. Here is what I think.

All my mother wanted to do was just go home. Be around stuff that was hers. Also, she didn't like being told what to do. She got use to being in her own place, in her bed watching her own TV. I spoke with her over the phone everyday. Even though it was for a minute, I could tell in her voice that she didn't want to be there. The more I talked to her, the weaker her spirit became. Of course, this is how I feel and felt.

I'm sure the grief will hit me later own. But right now I'm feeling a seperation. Its a new feeling, and I do know it will start hurting.

Yeah Yeah, I know

...I haven't posted something in a while. Its not like I didn't wanted to, it 1was just...shit still stays the same.
I've come to the conclusion..really, a realization, that I am forever to stay... One, single. Two, without children. And three, always won't, and can't understand what goes on in a woman's head.
Being single has its good and bad times. Bad times..staying constantly being horny all the time. For those times I do have sex, which are rare, the woman, she must think I'm a Porn Star or something. The good times are just doing and going wherever I wanth to go. On occassions, I would just pick any cafe downtown in Manhattan, armed with $25 to spend on buying food there. Its a trade for using the internet doing nothing. I can't download what I want...no not porn..well sometimes. I m talking about movies & music. It seems some cafes put blocks on torrent websites. I have a MiFi device, my own internet, but why waste my data plan. I sit there, newspapers, magazines ebook reader...and just chill with headphones on. Mostly people watching..female watching.
Its easy to strike up convo, always soe female is hagving a problem with her laptop. Its not like that's what I look for, its what I went to school for and enjoy doing. Helping, repairing laptops...I like that shit. Females say their looking for their 'special' type of man, well I'm looking for that 'special' type of woman. Not old, yet not young. Can hold a conversation where no topic is off limits. Funny, but serious. Doesn't have to make me work for her affection. There are some out there and met them, but they're like 4 leaf clovers, you have to look really hard.
Found one, Spanish. No longer married and looking but afraid to start over. 41 years old. Sat and talk for 4 hours, went to movies, walked her home and she cooked dinner. She invited me back to her apartment the next day. Said she had to tell me something. Her ex husband lives with her. He has a girlfriend, so its cool between her & I, he wants to meet me. He did, came and left. One bedroom apartment, so I asked where does he sleeps. IN the SAME BED as HER!!!!!!!!! I had to ask her were they having sex, she CLAIMS no, but you should see her face and body. Told her within 5 minutes its been nice.
I'm not stupid. I may look it, that's a different story. I guess if she would have just came right out with her living and sleeping arrangements, I guess I would've had a different reaction.