2012..It's Been a Good Year, and...

...I'm not changing a damn thing in 2013. I'm not 'stepping' nothing up, gonna continue to do AND be the same person. See, that's the problem with some people, they change for others, fuck that.
I've seen in 2012 how some people show, that they have their own lives together, wen in fact, like my life, its all fucked up. Yep, screwed left, right, upside down and sideways. But who says life is suppose to be easy. I spoke with some people about shit like this. If they lost their job, it would be such a great fucking impact on their lives, that they would go into such a deep black hole depression...that they would totally end their lives. So use to 'having' and not caring about the 'have nots'. Want all the latest in fashion, cars and home improvements. Hell, you're renting, not even renting to own.
One friend, she...well, I'm just waiting for that call. The call with sobs and tears that I can't even understand what she saying. And what makes it all so fucked up is that the 2 other people she depends on, they are in the same row boat as her. I told her that she is gonna see what at first hand, what it feels like to be homeless WITH a job. Shit will make you look at life a whole lot different.
Met women, who have said now, now that they are looking for their King. Oh, this was AFTER that King took you for everything. Told them I was as real as they get. I'm not gonna sugar coat anything. Telling me that they don't want me to be attracted to them. What kind of shit is that. See, these woman couldn't or didnt  know how to seperate sex from anything else in this entire world. They thought, no THOUGHT, that what they have between their legs ws SPECIAL. Special, no. Different, yes. Or take the ones, some not all, who have just completely just gave up. I know shit happens, but not 3 times in row. 3 children, by 2 different men. But you want something different? Yeah, a different man to help take care of your 'starting 5'. Fuck that !!

Work..the work place. I've work a lot of places. I'm a FUCKING COOK !! You eat, I could what you eat. I work with people sometimes 8, 12, 16 hours a day with, for like 3 straight days or more. You spend more time with me than your own brothers & sisters, I know I do. I can tell just how long you have. Been working in this field just by how and what you do in the kitchen we work in. How you talk to the people you serve. Do you treat them like friends or like they are you employers. LIKE YOUR EMPLOYERS, YOU STUPID ASS FUCK !! These aren't the people who hired you, these are the people you prep, cook and served food too. And you wonder why they treat and say the shit they do? Cause you gave them the room to do so. I'm not going to poison you no matter what you do or say to me, but...  If you do, I will serve you like you don't even fucking exist, you ungrateful piece of shit. I cook cause I enjoy you enjoying what I cooked. To treat me like I'm the help... and my co workers who grovel, suck their dick and kiss their ass...you dumb fucks, wake da fuck up!!

The Work Place. I don't know whats wrong with some people in the workplace. They act like they come from good stock and shit. Like there s nothing wrong with coming from the projects if you come from the projects. Right now it's ALL about affordable housing. Now, this doesn't only pertain to you females, some of you guys got a wild hair on your balls too. So, you work around and for people who are refined, that's a term I really dislike using, but does that make you have to act that way also. See, they don't mind paying the prices they have to pay for lunch, but this shit be breaking your wallet & purse. But when you come thru the line, nose all up in the air, head deeply planted in your ass, then you try to give me that 'whats up brother' shit. Nope, pay that nut.

The shit I see...

Again

I spent Christmas Eve &amp; Christmas Day with a friend of mine. It was all good until she went in to check on her patients. Then came home with liquor and 3 of her female co workers. That was my cue to leave.</p>
<p>On my way home I got a text from another female friend, she wished me Merry Christmas. Then went into that she misses me and that she was sorry she let me get away. It was what she wanted from me..something I couldn't give her. Marriage.</p>
<p>All she does is work, 2 jobs and spends little time at home between jobs. She met me, like what she was feeling being with me and wanted it for the rest of her life. I'm not for marriage...only if you were to have my child, yes then. But she wasn't capable of having children, she's 60 years old. You couldn't tell by looking at her, her and her body. She looks much younger.</p>
<p>Again she went into wanting me to move closer to her, finding a job out there near where she lives. I looked, applied and even had some calls. But I wasn't really all that into moving where she lives, you need a car. Plus, she works 2 jobs, what time will we spend together, it woluld be the same time if I stayed where I was at and come to her. She didn't understand this, so she broke it off with me. But she did something with that call yesterday.

It's like this. If you break off things; seeing me, its okay, I understand. I don't dislike you or anything, who knows, you might find time again for me to be in your life. But what she did...with this call to me, she kicked up the feelings I really had for her. Finds out I still do. I mean sex is a wonderful experience, it feels good. No one person is the same. What she did also was in the phone call said..no it want a call, it was texting. She said that it was me who broke things off, it was me who said I wasn't ready for a relationship. I wasn't ready for marriage is what I said.

Ut those feelings...the sex...nothing like I ever experienced with a woman. Maybe it was the 3 weeks she made me wait. Maybe it was during those 3 weeks, we slept in the same bed, no clothes, and just touched each other. I think that that what it was.

I'm reaching out to her again, this week. I have to.

I've Notice....

...some people and including myself at times, we/I don't know what I want. I am getting tired of feeling this way, but its my fault. What I've been doing lately is giving people what they want, saying what they want to hear. No more.

At times I hold back from what I want to say when some one questions me, or wants my opinion. In a matter of seconds I can sized that person up and come to a decision that they aren't ready for what I have ro say. So I sugar coat it. Vinalla with sugar on it. But not any more.

One woman has been looking at me strangely for a couple of days now. I figured out plus I asked her. 10 years ago she forged something, and now its coming back at her. She feels I had something to do with it. I told her what I felt cause what she did made me angry. Told her... back when you were hired, they figured they couldn't find anyone who would want to do the job you hold. They now found out that there are quailfied people out there, and now they want you out. Don't think you will collect unemployment, even after 10 years of service to them. You were and are a fraud in their eyes.  But she continues to think I had something to do with it.

Trying to figure out with women who say they are searching for their Kings cause they are Queens. The more I hear that shit, themore I laugh at their asses. Looking for your King huh? With your Mirror Ass Shot, huh? At least have some one take the picture for you. They don't know self taken shots of yourself says a lot about you, and it depends on what you're doing in the picture too.

No one will speak to you when you're the 'new guy'. All the women are playing it cool. So when one does come up to me and speaks with me, all others are breaking their fucking necks to hear what's being said. I went back and told her that I had my eye on her from the first time I entered the dining room. Wanted to know, what I wanted to do with her. Yep, that's what she asked and I told her. But first, I told her since she asked, and I don't think you 'really' wanted to know. Told her. She says that that sounds just about right and nice too, maybe later on. Surprised me, but I know she's waiting to see what I will do next. She, no man, no kids..living with her mother not too far from me. Gave me her number, told her I wll text her.

I'm not changing a damn thing for 2013...except for one thing. Those who I am dying to meet, I will do whatever it takes to meet them. Those who I have been chatting, texting with online and thru my phone...its time for a face to face. Be it 2 minutes or a life time...2013, its time to place a face.

I Know It's Sad, But...

A little while ago I had a conversation with this woman, she started it. It was about all those children being killed. I didn't say anything, then she asked did I have anything to say about it. I told her no, it doesn't matter to me...and it doesn't.

She got so angry & so mad at me, she couldn't even express it in words. I felt the way I felt, cause that is how I feel and will always feel that way. She said its because I don't have children. She says well she does & grandchildren and that affects her. How?

You kids are grown, and your grandchildren are at that age where they should be taught about what's right and what's wrong. You gown kids, I told her are something all together. She said explan and since she ask, I did.

Your grown ass kids are gangsters, in gangs and that is all that matters to them. Their gang is their family. Oh, but they live in your house, running shit, running shit right out of your house. They have your grandkids around that madness, so what do you think your grandkids are going to grow learning. Who am I to tell you that your grandkids pants shouldn't be 'sagging' off their little young butts. That shit isn't cute. Getting fitted hats and Baby Jordans...hello, who has money for that. But no, you tell me last week, even though you're working, making 17.50 an hour, you're 2 months behind in rent. I'm not gonna mention the shit that REALLY pisses me off, what you told me.

I Know I Say Some Things That...

I can say some things that can have a person, male or female look at me strangly. You think I really give a flying Fuck? Nope, I don't. I don't and you don't live your life for others to like you. But if you're one of those that do, you're wasting your life. Up to a certain point, you live your life for the children you have; up to a certain point. But its okay if you extended that period also. This is coming from a man with no children.

So, when do you start having fun? Better yet, did your fun endibg days end when you became an adult. An adult who has responsibilites. Car payments, student loans, mortages..you know adult things. Add long your children that you have to look after, care for. To top it all off, you might be a single parent; which you enjoy, but its hard at times cause the father isn't in the picture. Or, he can and is in the picture, but let's face it, he can and IS an asshole. You're doing it all by yourself, the fun days are over. NO THE FUCK THEY AREN'T !!.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT !!! These are my opinions. We as human beings are strange. Shit I do, wierds people out I'm sure, but the things I see people do amazes me. Give me, give me, give me. Do for me cause if you want to be with me...that's what I need and want you to do. What ever happen to doing something cause it feels go to do, cause its fun. Like I said and willa always say, could care less what people say or think of me. I do what makes me happy. I feel that's what's stopping people from really being themselves. For example, do you really think a person wants to hear what you DON'T want? Speak on what you not want, but what you like. Again, not everyone is gonna like what you like..then move on.

I have 3 female friends. Lisa, whom I've know for like almost 15 years is a homebody. We use to be a couple and lived together as well. She found out that breaking up with me was best for her....which was okay with me. Funny thing is that we are still in contact with each other every day. I spend sometimes 3 weekends a month at her house. She found out that we can't be a couple, but I enjoy your company AND, sex is great with you for some strange ass reason.

Kim, I met Kim while I was in a Shelter. She stopped me on the street and started kicking it with me. Told me what she wanted, said I was lucky, she picked me. Some one to come over and scratch that itchevery so often. I can't spend no more that 2 hours with her, cause her voice drive me bonkers. But like she said, I was lucky, has a body and a butt you wouldn't believe. I actually feel honred to be in her presence. Sometimes when we set a 'meeting' up she changes at the last minute, cause work, overtime comes first before busting a big as nut for herself. Understanable.

Wanda. I knew Wanda when I was 14 years old. She had a crush on me. Fast forward many years, she reaches out thru facebook. We meet again, 2 days later we are like rabbits. She likes our meet ups, ask if I'm seeing anyone. ' say am I 'exclusive'? No, I am not, she doesn't ask any more questions. 2 grown children, one just got of out of prison, the other, younger 25, hard headed ass young man. Since they live under her roof now, she is worried about how they see her. She hasn't been with any man since their fathers, which she broke up with 15h years ago. She likes the hell out of my body, her words. How I look still the same after all these years, but I don't look like I'm over 50. Left up to her, she would fuck my brains out 24/7, her words. That's what happens when you don't have any penis for 'uber' years. Problem is, I state again, she cares about how her grown as kids see her; which I told her that they don't really care, as long as you're happy. I know this cause the oldest told me right out of the blue this. 'Hey old man, mom duke really likes you and she is happy as fuck, good looking out.' I tell her the kids are alright, do you, but she can't.

3 women, all different senerios. Meet number 4 2 weeks ago. Another process to go through, another 'grilling' to let her know it is all that deep, just do what makes you happy, not what you 'think' people expect of you. Like I said we will see. Again. Oh, she said last night and I quote...'I have to get something straight with you'. You know what that means and what her next sentence will be, right ?

Give Me...

This week's Newsweek front page cover talks about something indept that I always had questions about. When I go to ask, not questions those that I think would know, I get these strange looks. Looks of who am I to question the Bible. I'm not questioning the Bible, I'm questioning those that wrote or had some say so of putting this Book together.

The article questions...well, if there were really 3 Kings present. Its states it was a cave that the Son of God was born in. And among other things... I can't even explain, jsut google the aricle and read.

I have always said that Jesus didn't write the Bible, and its a know fact. The Bible was written by those who knew of Him and his ways, His works. But this was written how they saw what they saw, and we all know how easy it is to embelish what we clain to see. Yeras later who is to say that what we say and what that person had written isn't, wasn't true.

Bring this subject up to God Fearing, Church Thumping, Always in Church All Day People...and its like you were the one who killed Jesus. I guess that what some folks get for listening to what others preach about this man claimed to have done, written by others. I've been told that I should come to their Church and hear the real words of God. Why do I have to do that? Can't I do it on my own, in my home with sweat pants on while watching football on Sunday? No, I can't. Because God has told their Pastor that I should attend, must attend the House of The Lord to get the full meaning. Not also to say that your 10% will go a long way, it will help the Church keeps its place, by paying the rent. ...helps the Pastor too, cause it takes a lot for him. To get up there each Sunday and do what he does. I don't know.

I don't mean to throw a wet blanket over what some people believe in. But don't approach me with your beliefs and expect me to believe also. Some things, not all. One thing for sure though. Plenty of people are waiting for God to bring them a good man. Or, a good man is one that goes to church on Sunday. I don't think this is true. A good man is a man who believes in certain; of certain issues pertaining to The Bible that he uses in his every waking day of his life. Besides, there are hidden agendas within The Church. Not all Churches mind you, just some.

Some People...

You know how some people try and one up you, like they think you don't know shit cause you don't speak about them. Yeah, those type of people. Or, how some people who don't even know you, but you have to deal with them on a daily basis, think cause you're a 'grunt worker', that you don't know anything about whats going on in the world today. Well I have them know that I....

I'm well aware of shit. I tried to think of a better word, but I write what I feel. I read about 3 newspapers a day, and countless magazines daily also. I may not understand sometimes the situation, but give me a couple of hours and I will 1, know what's its about, and 2, give you my motherfucking opinion. On people, like the ones who say our President, the people in Washington won't let him do the things that he want to do. Hell, The President is only the man who signs the checks, and takes the blame when shits fucks up. My opinion, it may have looked like he was happy after wining his 2nd seat, but I bet he told Michelle this...'FUCK !! another goddamn 4 years of this BULLSHIT, I want OUT NOW !!'

I didn't vote, not because I couldn't, cause I didn't want to. Neither of the 2 mentioned any of the issues that meant anything to me. Until the next election, and either persons running do, then I will vote. Well, what issues that I want mentioned so that I will vote. One and the main issue is this. Fuck the rich & the middle class, what about us the lower class? It may not be correct to say it in that manner, but I call it as I see it. By the way, what is middle class nowadays anyways. Notice that the more you make, the more the take. Inflation rises, cause that what inflation does...RISE. But you can't make enough to keep inflation at a level that you feel comfortable living in. I don't know, its bad, and its gonna get worse in the next 10, 15 years.

Now I Know

Now I know what I want. It came to me as I was smoking a cigarette...a moment of clarity. WOW !! I know just who I am, this is amazing. It breaks it...I broke it down to this. I am a companion. Well what the fuck is that? Its like this, this is how I see myself.

I like beautiful women, the beauty in a woman; I judge, is not by only her looks. In fact looks doesn't even come into play. If the woman has herself together and is managing her everyday life with little to no problems hassles, she is perfect. If she wants a man in her life, but not all up under her...even better. If she wants to explore her sexual side of herself and have no problem; but is timid at first, even more better. But I will not be kept as a kept man. Not unless there are some ground rules.

One, I have to work, keep a job. If you want me to stay at home and take care of things, we have to establish what those things are. I'm not your maid, I won't cook and clean. Like you come home from work on your day off and you say, what? You were off and you didn't do this or you didn't so that'. 'How come you didn't do this or you didn't do that'. No, I won't be that person for you. You make a mess, you clean it up.

Two, you should already feel atractive about yourself, and you don't need me telling you. Not to say when you walk across the room if front of me..I will commnet and even slide up next to you and whisper all kinds of things in your ear.

Three, when I'm introduced, if that should happen to come up or be. Feel free to say and tell your friends, family just who I am. Your friend, your special friend, my companion..whatever. but feel comfortable in doing so. If they should ask for further information, that's up to you. They will come and ask me just who I am, depends on who is asking, I will answer accordily.

Four, I am in your life to bring or enhance what's already inside of you that is dying to come to the surface. You say, you already know who you are? True that. But others see you in a whole different light. I won't nick pick about what you do, cause what you do for you seems to be working out alright.

Five, you have kids, children or young adults..its okay. I& know they will look at me in a strange way, like who is this person with my mom. You don't have to explain anythibg to them, but you will. But don't distract away from how happy you are when we are together.

Six, please feel free to come and go, do whatever you want. Like I said, I am your companion.

I say all of this cause I met a woman who said in more or less words,h that she wants to do things and go places with me. She wasn't trying to, but she told me what all she has, a Time Share, nice home..already seen her nice car and was in it too. Told her no I don't drive, know how to, but I don't own that piece of paper anymore. Why waste my money every so oftwn for a piece of paper when I don't own a piece. Of metal that goes hand in hand with it. She says, well I hope you don't expect me to drive us everywhere. See ?

That's what I am, a companion. I'm no man whore, male slut. I am your friend who si sleeping with you, who enhances. Your happiness, who makes you smile on th inside.

We Finally Met, and...

She told me the night before to meet her at 12 noon, then today she called and said she forgot that she was going to Mid Day Mass, so the time was switched to 1:15pm.  How can you forget about that, but its understandable. I got there about at a quarter to 1, not too early or too late. One thing I dislike is being late for anything. Well at 1:25, I was beginning to worry, and then my cell phone rang. It was her and that she was leaving the house now, she went home to change first. Said she would be there within 15 minutes. Ten minutes to 2pm she calla me and ask me where am I at. I could tell she was getting nervous by her voice. Either meeting me was making her nervous, or I was reading her voice all wrong. Told her that I was out in front, by valet parking, since this was a place that she comes to all the time, she should feel at ease, plenty of people around. For 10 minutes were trying to find each other. This place has to entrances and I was way on the other side, she walked toward where I was at. Again she calls and say whats going on, so i describe myself and what I was wearing. She tells me, and it sounds like she was really freaking out, that there are a lot of people wearing what I'm wearing. Look for one with a cell phone in his ear. She sees me. I heard her say oh my God before she hung up.

Nice skin complexion, pretty hair and the body !! She was wearing some black skin tight, ass hugging..some type of material.For 56 years of age, she has it going on. She felt very nervous around me, so I was myself. Making jokes to make her feel comfortable. I never been to this place or any type of place like this, so I told her that I was following her. She told me, don't follow, walk beside me. To be honest, I want to see more of her shape than anything else. After about 30 minutes she was feeling comfortable with me, we stayed there for about an hour until she said she was hungry. I told her I want ed to got to Taco bell, hell, I didn't have any money and I didn't want he paying for my meal. We ate and talk, and she told me she would drive me back into The Bronx.

Told me while in the car, she had a nice time and she wanted to see more of me. Strange...she didn't mention that word or the saying 'as friends' not one time. She said she would text me when she gets home, and she did. Wants to take me to the movies the next time I am available. I told her over the phone that once she sees me, she would never want to leave my sight. That she has to fight from saying do I want to spend the night. She text me one last time and told me that she fought very hard from asking me to stay over with her tonight. I text back are we still friends? She text back,,,not for much longer. Told her so.

What We Want, What We Get and What We Are Looking For..Are All Different.

I know what I want, and what I get and what I'm looking for are totally all different. It takes a smart person..no a person with a brain to realize this. I take what I get..for now until....
...I see other wise. Sorry if I harp on the dating scene a lot. What else do I have to talk about. Right now I'm on my way to meet this woman for the first time. Thru emails and one phone call which I made, after she told me to call her, I got to hear her voice. She gave me her number a week ago, but I told her I would only text her, call her if she tells me to. She did tell me.
background noise. That noise you hear when you're on the phone for the first time...should be quiet. Or, some music playing. In her background it sounded like chaos, but all it was was a TV playing...LOUD. In mine, quietness, until the land line rang. I had to go downstairs and meet some one dropping something off.
Initial conversations are tricky, you have to give a person, well both aprties equal talking time. Another thing is, you have to compromise on the conversation, topics. Already she told me she is a jealous woman, her ex's she has nothing to do with; in which I ask why? Standard answer, cause they are ex's. No, I think its more than that.
All along she put emphasis on that we are only friends, she said that way too many times, its okay. I told her when she meets me, she is either gonna want me, or just stay as friends. Again, I heard we are only friends bit. I know why she is saying this, she got burned by some one she met online.
He took so much advantage of her, it isn't even worth mentioning. Guys will do that if you allow them to. Guys will do that if you smother them with the love that you are so much seeking. She told me he paid so much attention to her, but he played her. One by not having a job, which he fed off her kindness and 2, but knowing that she went without love for so long, that when he came along and showed her attention, she got opened up. Now, she can't say 'only friends' enough. Now she is so guarded, that it will take at least a year for her feels to return. But until then she will be on her toes.

My Fears....

...they are mine, I own them. Others my have the same ones as mine, but these, the ones I make claim to are mine's only.
I don't know what it is about death, I don't fear it. Nor am I ready to take it head on. I know it will come, like costumer, to my counter, ready to place an order. But this order is final and to go. No problem with Funeral Homes, seeing a dead body. My father passed away 2 years ago, I loved him, but that wasn't him in that casket for viewing. The Burial. When my Grandmother past away, I didn't go to the burial, I was afraid, also I was young. That was my Grandmother and I won't be seeing her anymore. I didn't want to see her placed in a hole in the ground, in the dirt. We as kids played in dirt, mud. I know longer at that time saw dirt as something to play in. But now, I still don't know about death.
My mother is in the hospital, that is what bought this post on. I have 4 younger siblings, 2 sisters & 2 brothers. When my father was in the hospital, I never went. When my mother was in the hospital, I never go. I don't like hospitals either. Sickness and death. People coughing and sneezing. Also, the smells. The smell of roaches and mice, i's in their clothes, their hair and on their bodies. Reminds me of when I was growing up when I was young. I got really upset, and then angry.
Yesterday I went for the first time when my mother went to the emergency room. Received a text from my sister that she was there. I asked who was there, she replied, everyone. I had to go. I flet so out of place on many things. One, its not that often that all 5 of us are together except on holidays. The 4 of them are always there when moms goes into the hospital, I'm never there. I feel bad about it too, but...just don't like hospitals. My siblings, its like the normal for them. Who tonight is gonna stay until mother gets a bed? They say..' stayed last time', 'I stayed just as much as you did'. 'It's your turn', no one says anything to me though about staying. I'm the only one is gets paid by the hour, them, they are all on salaries. I just felt strange with all that happening around me.
...are more fears, but they are mine. Right now let me just keep it that way. Its safer.

See, Now The Shoe is On The Other Foot.

I know this woman since we, since I was 14 years old. She's 2 years younger than me and we always had a thing for each back then. I mentioned her in eralier post I think. So we got back in touch with each other, a little over a year ago. I'm suppose to be her man...whetever.

Its been since the beginning of Summer since the last time we saw, held each other. One of her sons, the eldest just got out of prison. The other son, who both are living with her, is jealous of his brother, cause he is getting all the attention. He spazzes out on his mother, she told me over the phone that the next time he does, she is calling the police. I don't blame her.

Now is vacation time and I'm cover for people in the kitchen. I have to be at work at 7am to 2, 2:30pm, 5 days a week. I catch the 4:51am bus, the 5 train, get off at 180th Street & wait for the 2 train, which I know she is on. I sit right next to her. Ride it with her to 72nd Street. We both get off and catch the 1 train, ride it to 59th Street where she gets off to go to work. I stay on, ride to 42nd, take the Shuttle to The East Side, catch the 6 Train to 68th Street. Get off an wait til 6:40am and then I walk to work. All this, waking up at 4am.

I asked her are we still a couple?

So...Taking The Plunge Once Again

I've notice something; as I do almost every single day that I awake and breathe. I know I do it, but I'm unaware that I do it, surely some one will point it out to me. But..people don't always mean what they say, they don't always do what they do too. And we all know that we as people, we can be real assholes.

Bear with me on this one. She met a guy online and he claimed he was single, no children. Lonely and being of early 50's in age, she is and was looking for some one to call her own. Some one to spend those lonely cold nights with. After 7 months of their first meet, she like what he had to offer. Told her he loves and care for her. He moves in with her, she offered, he accepted. He doesn't work and since now that she is head over heels in love with him, he doesn't have to. A year goes by, she does everything for him. Lets him borrow her car, gives him money and buys him clothes. He doesn't have to ask for it, she gives it to him. Then one day it happens...she gets a call from a women who claims to be his wife. He married her  so she can get her Green Card, but he is also sleeping with her, they have a relationship. He tells his wife that he works night, overnights; tat way he can be with her during the daytime. But she has a job also. The wife tells the girlfriend that he is living with what the deal is, they meet and she explains it all to her. The girlfriend; whom he is living with is heartbroken. The wife says he is nothing but a con artist, but she has grown to love him not for what he does for he, but as for the attention he pays to her. The girlfriend kicks him out, the wife does the same thing. What does he do? He moves on to the next person.

Another woman...I clicked on her picture, read her bio, emailed her. 51 years old, looks good. So we just start email each other, 2 hour sessions going back and forth. My bio says looking for friends, but I did state in it that I'm looking for that special some one. I hide nothing, I say just what I want in my bio and in my emails to her. The emails at first are very 'vanilla' nothing of sexual nature or intent, until...She tells me that she hasn't had sex in 14 years and that she isn't a booty call. I understand exactly what she is saying, but me being me, I break it down to her. I tell her ahead of time, that when we are at a certain point, without even meeting me, or hearing my voice, you are going to want to sleep with me. That you are going to want to see me, you are going to tell me things that you have never told anyone before. All for the simple fact that you don't know me, and as far as you are concerned, you will never meet me. But, as we continue to chat/email, you will feel less exhibited; open up more about tell me of you, your likes and dislikes. It all started with..'so tall and sexy as hell'. I let her know right away she is starting something, and I will continue. The email ended with her saying, 'now I have to take a shower'.

I am not the most handsomeness man alive, but I love me. Meaning, I love who I am. The first woman, I'm taking her out next Sunday, nothing special. A place where she wants to go, feels comfortable with, a lot of people around. She a broken heart thats trying to mend herself and we are only going to be friends..not unless she wants more.

2nd woman, she has been single for a long time. She wants sex, but won't just come out and say it. She will say what she doesn't want, but will only say that her man needs to be 'nasty'. We haven't set anything up as of yet, she has been single for a long time. Going slow with her as a friend also.

I'm no dog, I'm a good person. But yet again I am a man. I know how t talk to women, notice I said women and not girls, teenagers...anyone under 32. Yep, I've set an age limit, cause that's what it says some where I read, and its true. There are plenty of women I come across on a daily basis that I find attractive, but I won't invade their space until they give me  a sign that they are interested.

Sometimes..I Even Questioned Myself

...yep I do. Sometimes I think maybe its just me, and am I thinking wrong about situations. Maybe my opinions; the way I see things, view them, maybe I've been wrong all along. Then again, Hey I'm entitled to my own say so.

I don't drink, well only on New Years Eve and 1 glass of wine on my birthday. But I use to when I was younger. As I grew older, I didn't like the way drinking made me feel the next morning... hell, the next afternoon, so I gave it up. All to say, you won't find me going into a bar to drink. Oh I would, but I'm spending about 15 minutes, or there to meet some on. Most of the time I would call and tell them that I am standing outside. I don't understand that whole scene though. Go into a place where drinks are way overpriced, standing so close to one another...and the smell along with the noise. I know people don't only go to bars and pubs just to drink, they go to socialize, meet new people. My say so. There is nothing like throwing back a couple to get up enough nerve to ask that pretty drunk woman out on a date. Don't tell me that you would and never go to bars to pick up guys or girls, everyone does it, even me at one time. Not any more.

So I move on and try to find a 'soulmate'...my ass. No, I do want to meet some one that is just right for me, and me for her, but its a process. These online social networking sites, these women... Okay, what they want is..'yeah we can go out, you can take me someplace nice to eat'. Thats all they are thinking of is a meal, a date out eating. Listen if we are going to get together, a meal comes along with the date. After we do what we do out in public, lets see how we are in a close intimate setting. See, if we both can hold a conversation. But no, you want to full up your stomach.

I was told this by one woman, and I explained this to her. You know what she said, and I quote. ' I don't hand out personal information, I let no one cook in my kitchen more or less in my house. You don't need to know where I live, what I do for a living. And, you work hours are crazy, when do you find the time to go out at night ?'.  Oh, but I can take out to eat. She is looking for a serious relationship mind you, but you have to 'earn the right' to know anything about her. So when I told her that I was going out on other dates with other women, she then says she doesn't want to be part of a 'line up' I say one thing to myself...selfish bitch.

Online dating is okay, you click on the person you first see 'looks good', you them email them. from there is gets tricky. Most people keep it very vanilla, I like this, I like that, not me. I write about what attracted me to them in more or less words. Keeping it clean, it one sitting, can exchange 10 to 20 emails. Okay another thing is when you as a female have 300 to 1500 'friends'.  You don't meet that many people as friends in your whole lifetime. ..and tell me you are in touch with them on a constant..no wait... a semi constant level. Its not even semi.

It's Complicated'..what that means is that I'm tired of this man, but he pays the bills and he cheats on me too, and I cheat on him, but you have to have your shit together, meaning a car, and you have to have a place where we can get together, and I'm not talking about some cheap motel, and you have to love my children, who have different fathers and pay my cell phone bill. EXCUSE ME ? Or the ones that put down that they are married and what a serious relationship. Or, they have no intention of EVER meeting you in person, nothing personal though. ts that what they perceive online they really aren't in real life face to face.

I gotta say this though. White women in general could care less than a fuck about your income, long as you as a man HAVE a job, look good, they will attached themselves to you and let you be you. They will ask no questions because they know as White Women they are making way more money than you and they want so excitement in their lives. They have no problem with staying home, enjoying a evening with you just being themselves. They know how to keep you separate from the work. Its not like they are hiding you, but its like they found a secret and its you and for as long as its gonna last we are going to make a best of it. You see a Black Man walking with a White Woman or the oppiste, you know its a special relationship.

I'm searching for that Special Someone, and then again I'm not.

Happy Turkey Day !!

Lately, I have been thinking about a lot of things. And, they have been weighing heavly on my mind too. Nothing that I can't handle, but I just question things and people. Like...

I hope you aren't the type of person who likes having control over others. You know what I mean right? The type of power that can break a person soul. It can drive them over the edge and sometimes that person might not be able to recover. I dislike people who are like that. I work in the Food Service Industry and I see a lot of that going on. I try, and I try very hard to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it. But I can't.

..if you trade phone numbers with the opposite sex, it doesn't mean that they want to just dig your back out. But you have to admit something and this is the basic knowledge of things. There was something about that person that you felt that you wanted further contact with even if it's only just to be friends. Don't get me started on that 'friends' bit either. I'm saying this... Answer back, or even text back and not with a one word answer either cause you exchanging your number with that person...there were more than one worded exchanged that happened. I use to work for her, she was my manager. She got laid off, and I continued on. I eventually left too cause how could you fire the person that hired me. She called me for a position that she was presently at. This place hired, laid me off, hired, laid me off, hired, laid me off, hired and laid me off for the last time. She was cut loose before me PERIOD !!. So, I text her for a reference, straight to voice mail. I text her, no answer. Went to fer Facebook page, contacted her thru there and she answered in less than 5 minutes. I text her back telling her what I would like for her to do, she said okay. Now this woman is young & VERY attractive, she is Mexican and she KNOWS I had a thing for her. She text me & called me at 1am in the morning, but my phone is always on vibrate...to me it was a booty call. Text her back and she returned with, 'you blew it, I wanted you right then and there'. Oh well.

Four More Years ?

.So, The President has made it for another 4 years. It wasn't because of my vote...cause I didn't vote. I had and still have my reasons.

Here's to all the people present & future, who will have something to say when they ask me and I tell them I didn't cast a ballot.

I gave all my votes for ALL the up coming elections back in 1977 at the age of 17 years old. May 31st, 1977 to be excat. That was the day, month and year I joined the Army. While all those males qnd females of my age bracket were either planning on their 1st year in college or in the work force... I served my Country. Matter of fact, dropped out of High School to go and serve.

Two years after the war in Vietnam ended, I enlisted. People say that the War was over, but no, it was just beginning. People forget about The Cold War, the one that damned nearvhappened over in Europe. The one where men & women of my age were being sent as a duty station...West Germany. But I'm not goning to get into that, nope. Something different.

I know some what; more than others how this country is runned. All the people who make up our Government..who are 'suppose to be', for the people, aren't really for the people, but for themselves. That's understandable, its everyhman for himself nowadays. But this people, our local Government officials, Congressman are milking us dry. While the average person, the 99% are starving, they are just raking in the bennies as we say in the military. And, don't get me start on Lobbiest. They are the true ones who are raking it up.

I didn't vote really cause I didn't want to. Don't tell me either..'well don't complain when...' I damn will complain whenever I feel like it, its one of my rights too, to voice my opinion. I know the President doeant run the Country, he just signs the checks. If shit hits the fan, its him who takes all the blame. But if he can, he will focus it on to some one else. His job is a hard one, and you don't hear kids growing up wanting to be President any more either.

Like I said be President, Head Motherfucker In Charge, has its perks AFTER you leave office. Ask Bill Clinton. Have you ever wonder what happens to all that donated money, the money given to his re election campain? Oh, its his. His to bank and cfreate intrest on, his to do whatever he chooses fit to do. Remember this..it takes money to make money.

All in all I'm not hating on our President. In fact I'm glad for him. He is history in the making. Something and someone for the history books...until our next President. Michelle Obama in 2024 !!

..and now it begins.

Okay, some friends introduced me to this woman. She is White, I have no problems with that, none at all. Its her friends and family that has the problem.

She was hurt 5 years ago really bad. She sued, and her money came in; with monthy AND yearly payments. This all happened during our dating phase and she was the one who decided that she wanted a relationship. Since I'm single, hell why not. Then she told me about the money...more money I would have seen in TWO life times. I told her that we could stay friends, but she didn't want that. She wants me to look after her, and she would take care of me. Her family is going BONKERS over her decision.

But she won't have it any other way. She said she waited her whole 43 yearsw of life for a person like me. I like her a lot. And yeah..sex is amazing. But I'm expecting after a couple of months she will toss me aside.  Right now I'm going to meet her, she wants to take a limo upstate to a nice Bread & Breakfast, spend the weekend with me alone.

This Is What I Want.

I just gave it that title cause that was the first thing that came to mind. If you noticed; and I have the foggiest idea half the time of what the fuck I'm talking about. But I speak from the heart and I say whats on my mind. So...now I have to get some shit off my chest once again.

Employers..yeah you know who you fuckers are. You're the asshole who tries to show all of New York City...'yeah, I'm ballin', I got dough cause I can open up my open cafe or food shop'. Well I'm here to burst your fuckin' bubble. half...no, 3/4's of you don't know what the fuck you're doing. see you figure cause you have mon ey and you hire some expensive ass dietician who cre4ates your menu; a menu in which you TRY and stand out among the rest.. You have it all WRONG !! Or maybe I have it all wrong.

I think you're in the business for all the wrong reason, but I could be wrong again. I know you want to turn a profit, who doesn't... Fuck it, why bother.

Why...I just came from Trader Joe's 72nd Street. No fewer than 4 men I saw talking to themselves, whats up with that. Is the medication starting to wear off?

Ah, to be young. I have spoke today with a 20 something female. I mean she's open to all types of things as I learned. She has a girlfriend AND  boyfriend. She's been with he girl longer. If you know me, which...I don't know who is reading this, you don't know me. Guess where my convo with her is/was headed. In 4 hours we covered enough ground to officially make us in a relationship. We she parted she told me, here, take my number. Home & cell phone, call at anytime. Fuck, I'm almost 3 times her age, and her mother is my age.

Its hard to figure people out these days. I mean, take meeting a woman for the first time. people say just be yourself. If I were to do that, I would stay single, so I have to be something I'm not for the first 1 or 2 hours upon our first meeting. I tell them, 'listen, this isn't me, THIS is me. That first impression stuff really matters, but why lie about who you really are. Its proven, that we as a people all place on a mask in every waking day of our lives. We hide behind those mask, not letting others see who we really are. We hold back from telling those that berate us, look down on us, we hold back from telling them how we REALLY feel. So they get the upper hand, and think, yeah, who is the boss now. In relationships, we tell our other what he or she wants to hear cause we don't want to ruin the flow of the relationship, but thats not right. I say, either you accept me for who I am, or leave me the fuck alone.

Realationships..They're a Motherfucker !!

I don't know..maybe its just me. Doubt it if its just me who feels this way, but... how come all the good women are in messed up realtionships. Let me rephrase that..what are they in what they 'say' are bad relationships.

Woman A, she is searching for love. I mean she shows love to the man she is in one with. She overpowers him with love. Its not love though, its great sex. See, she loves making love. Enjoys bringing pleasure to her man. Her problem is that after a while the man startsh answering her texts in one word answers, which drives her fucking crazy. She shows me the texts, and I told her that she is way too much into him and he knows this. She's off to Mexico, Mexico City to get butt implants of all things. Told her she has to start loving herself before she can start to love any one else.

Woman B..young, 19 yrs old. Has big plans for herself in life. I asked if she had a man and she says... 'yes, a real pain in the ass, gets on my nerves, a big baby.' Told her to leave him, says tried 2 times and her cried like a baby. Asked did she wants kids, no, but her man does, but and her has one from another female. That makes no sense to me. To me, its just a sex thing for now. How are you at a young age expect to have a life together, when they is another woman involved somewhat who has a child by him. He will pressure you into having one with him 'if' you really love him. She heard that line already.

Woman C. I thought she has her act really together. Been with her man for 12 years. He is in PA, cause one, his mother lives there and 2, he just found a job there. Also there, is a woman who he is messing with. He calls her and tell her that they should take a break for a while. She really loves this guy & will give him what he wants..this break. So, while she is trying to bounce back from the shock, cause they have a child together... he calls and says his mother is driving him crazy, could she send him some money for a hotel room. She does.... I have no more to say expect...

I love me. I'm not selfish, but I have to take care of me first before anyone else.

Some Things That Are on My Mind/Chest

First things first. I was watching the Fox News Channel yesterday morning. You know they were talking about that 'Sick Fuck' out in the Mid~West. All I can say about that is...he did what he did for a reason. Guys, people like that do shit like that for a reason; of course. Some just do it JUSTh to be doing it, but he had a reason. Like I could care less than a fuck about whtever his reason were. Don't kill him, just put he away for life. Heavily sedated...the whole nines.

A friend of mine, female was telling me about one of her female friends. In the past, my friend was, and continue to do so; tells me that she doesn't want me, I'm not her type of man. This morning my friend expanded more on that topic. See, it seems her friend; who is an American, don't like messing with American men. She only deas with men who were not born here. My opinion on that is this. American men are not putting up with her bullshit, so she takes advantage of those men not born here. My friend tells me that her friend has 4 grown kids, all getting good money, nice jobs. Like I don't really give a fuck, but wha about her? She's sexually frustrated!! Yep, cause you set your standards high, you get nothing, nic, nine, nada. Oh well.

My friend also told me that her friend will do anythibg for her. There is a reason why she does and I didn't go into that with her. All I do know is this. My friend, who claims to be my friend...I cutting her off.

She Is So Happy...

New hire, she's so happy. At first I didn't understand, now I do. She's from Brazil. Now guys you know how we picture Brazilian women right, well she is JUST like that. The only thing and its no biggie, she is older, say mid 30's. Sun tanned and beautiful white teeth.

Has neen in NYC for 3 months going to school, but her classes are English as a 2nd language. She speaks English well...and she is so happy. I'm happy for her.

Worked in bars in her country and she wanted more out of life. Don't know how she made it here nor what her story is. Too early to be questioning her now, let's see if she makes it first. But here is the thing that I know from past experinces working with women like her. Some customer is going to come in and offer her a better paying job doing something totally opisite of this. This person is going to use her good looks and charm in their establishment to further their business. That's all well understood, you have to find the right person; even if its just looks alone.

The Work Force as I Know of It

I've been working since 1973 at the age of 13. I sold Sunday's NY Daily news when it was 30 cents. I started out with a dollar and after I finished, I had over $35. Not bad for back then. </p>
<p>In Junior High School, I got my Workibg Papers. I worked for a friend of my mother's, in his grocery store, watching the vegetables and fruit outside. On the side, I went to the store for family &amp; friends of family. They gave me whatever they wanted which was nice cause I was really doing it not expecting pay. During the Summer, I got a job working in The Summer Youth Program. I worked for The Department of Relocation. That year..'The Bronx Was Burning', many fires. The agency I worked for, inspectore went to burned out apartment building and determined if it was safe to live in. If it wasn't, city palce you in a Hotel that was located on The Grand Concourse. Money was slip into my pocket to help persude me to send your family there..corruption rapid. Money came in hand too, since that whole Summer each week there wasn't a paycheck at pay station for me. Then I went into The Army for 6 years, this was 1977.</p>
<p>Upon my honorable discharge, started in a deli right around the corner from where I lived with my parents. Been workibg with food since then, this was in 1982. I love customer service. It gives me pleasure. Meeting new people, seeing the same faces establiahes a bond. I worked for the State of New York, in 1984 as A Mental Hygiene Thearpy Aide for The Crimminally Insane, alost drove me crazy too, let afte 4 1/2 years, too much of a strain, went bkack into Food Service.</p>
<p>I worked a LOT of places in NYC. If I were to place them all on my resume, at least 10 pages. But to me its like that with food service. You learn somethibg new, then you move on to something, another place to learn something new. The longest I've spent in one place was 3 years. Now, I'm giving any place 6 months, you don't offer me a management position, I'm here til I find something else. Sorry, but that's how I am.</p>
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Its The Little Things of, In Life.

I can't lie to ya. I like women. Its boadering on I LOVE women, all types, shapes and sizes. I won't turn a woman down. My thing is that everyone deserves loving. I'm not trying to 'love' all women all the time, but you know what I mean.

Like guys; cause women say we don't know what we want, they don't know what they want too. So, that's where conversation comes in. I have no set 'rap' for any women cause no 2 women are the same. I don't point out what every guy sees and tells her over & over again. Wait, I do, but I move on. On move on to what really drew my attention to her. Sometiimes I could be a little bit too straight forward, but I'm being honest.

To be continued....

I Had to Say Goodbye

I had a Twitter account. It was quick..fire off what I had to say in 140 letters. But I found myself 'writing' to it. Where as I should have been placing it here. The only. Thing about placing it here is...I, like millions of others, WANT to be heard. I had 93 followers and recently; I guess they like what I've been saying, have been respondibg to me. What made me delete my account was..Twitter started getting freaky on me.

What I mean by that is this. I don't know who wants to receive sms's to their phone whenever some one they follow, post. I know I don't. So I set it up so that I don't. But as of last night it started doing it on its own. I tried everything Googled said to do, and even went to the site on the web, but it didn't work. With my phone, which the model they don't make anymore, my phone has very limited memory. So some of my important text wouldn't go thru until I deleted and clear the cache of the phone. Time consuming and bothersome. Just delet Twitter account. It bothered me to delete my account, cause I follow some good looking women. They don't tweet about nothibg important, but Twitter opens the door to how people really are.

With Twitter gone, I've still found a way to get my voice out there. I subscribe to...let's say some news feeds, websites that deliver news and, The Huntington Post. Tried the latter this morning, even though I have been sending their emails to my spam folder. One site that I use, I get feed back about what I comment on the article that's emailed to me. I've learned...I have a lot to say, my opion of course. But there's people who think the same way I do.

In closing; I knlow I said this before, but I'm gonna start posting more of what I have to say here too. Well at least until I decide to open another Twitter account.

A Working Title That...

Sometimes I take a moment, sit back and see just where things are headed. Just some thoughts that have crossed my mind lately.

Our President, just did somethibg that I think is really dangerous to our Country. I don't know what he expects the out come would be, but I think I know where he is heading.

What better way to get a serious count of all the illegal aliens in this country, than to grant them somewhat of a free pass. Think about it. The government will now know where some of them are at. Its just nothing but a matter of time before all are accounted for.

A lot of teachers are being bought up of charges of...well you know. I don't know what's going on in our education system here in NY, but it's crazy. I say, there should be an age limit in which you are allowed to teach...PERIOD !!

People are so phony nowadays. With the internet people put on that they or this, when they really are are that. Me, I'm the same way online and off. Don't believe me, well meet me.

One of NY's papers just hiked their prices again. Guess its because you can get everything you want online for free. It wasn't me who released that monster, but I do know how to tame it.

MichaelChappell

Maybe She Is The One...

(This was 'suppose' to be an earlier post)...I don't know, maybe. Age has nothing to do with it either. She is 59, turns 60 in lest than 2 weeks. But if you were to see her, as I have seen her, you couldn't tell.

I met her online, emailing and I think I talked to her one time on the phone. She's Jamaicain and I had a hard time understanding her on the phone. I'm just me and will always be me. I've learned from a very early age to let people know what you want. Let them know what I'm about. Not serious, just being human, trating others as I want to be treated.

Women say thay want a man that's drama free, baby mama free. I set my own rules and live by them. Again, nothing serious..just have fun really. Most women expect a man to pamper them, take care of them. If you're expecting that from me....well, don't. You're a grown as person, take care of yourself. Another thing. I will not be a father, daddy to your kids. Why should I. That will just confuse the child later on in life. Yes, it will.

Most relationships, well for me are based on physical attraction. I like what I see and what to see more, lot more.
Yes, I enjoy having sex, good sex, you should too. And yes 75% of our relationship is based on good sex.

Well...she likes having sex, but have yet to go all the ay with me. We laid in bed, in each others arms naked. Feelibg each other out. Exploring each body, finding out all the hot spots. Whispers in my ear that she wants me so bad, but wants the first time to be on her birthday, something she will always remember. I understand that. She's at the point of askibg me do I like the under garments she wears. Wants her experineces with me to be something she can always remember.

Issues...

Ummmmmm.......

Some People Are Just...

There is always that one person, that one employee in every workplace that's just a complete asshole. I mean, assholes, they come in all kinds of style and flavors. But the one I'm talking about is the one who tries to shine when the suits are around. In my case, the embrodied chef coats.

It doesn't help when the Supervisor tells you straight off that that one person is crazy. That's only tellibg me, that you as the Sup, is very afriad of him. He even went on to say that me and this guy can't work together. That I will work t.he assembly area AND the kitchen when this guy is off. See. He thinks that I have a problem with him, which I do. Its how he works. Out of an 8 hour work day, he works about 3 hrs. That's not good.

Other coworkers on the team have a problem with him also, he work ethics. They question me like what's goibg on with him. Instead of asking me I tell them, ask him. They too are somewhat afraid of him. Well the Excutive Chef put a nail in it early today at the end of shift. Told him that if he is late one more time he is terminated. He then went on to say that its the hours, he has a hard time getting up at night to be here 3am. Chef said, bullshit. That I comee all the way from The Bronx, by train and I'm here an hour before shift. He has 3 more times to be late, then its a write up. Next time, he's terminated. Simple as that, right ?

But it doesn't stop there. I have less than a month there. So he is in good with the other departments, and he goes to them talkikbg shit. Mostly about me, saying I think I can come in a try to control things. Well the Chef over heard this and he stepped in. Told him he can either quit, resign, be fired or shut the fuck up. He choosed the later. I approached him and told him that him trying to punk me is some childish shit. I could've went really in on him. On how he is a 'yes massa' type man, one I have no respect for. He says this, no bullshit, 'yes boss man' to the Kitchen Manager and Excutive Chef. But where is the respect to the Supervisor. He calls him Sous, as in Sous Chef. To me that degrading. A Supervisor is a step of from a Sous.

I spoke with people outside about his ass, they tell me why do I bother, keep my mouth shut. Fuck that. Cause the next move is for him to really mess somethibg up and then blame me. Not here he will.

Something Else That Boggles The Mind.

Lesboisum...is that a word? Its sounds...well anyway. At my work place, it seems that they hire a lot of females like that, not that there is anything wrong with it. This girls/women are more in the sense of that they really think they are guys. A discussion was bought up about how they treat their girls friends better than any male can. I told them this...

It seems that as a female who is trying to forfill a role as a male, that you have something to prove. I don't know what it is, but you could still be into women as a female, but could you at dress like a female. I mean look at you, as a male does, your pants hanging off your ass. That doesn't look pretty. Another thing, your relationships are with females who have kids, and you're trying to play daddy. I be damned if I, as a male will support another man's kid, but that's your choice.

I asked has they ever been in a relationship without kids involved, nope. So its reason to believe that they is a lot going on below the surface. It was bought up that cause I don't have any children that it shows that I'm afraid of commitment, which isn't true. Also that was said of me not being in a relationship, also not true.

Told them look at the age I am and you 2 are. Your life's are ahead of you. You will see what I'm talkibg about when you're a little older. I mention what about they getting married to their partners. Both said no and I laughed.

Hey do whatever floats your boat.

Decisions.....& Choices

One is 39 years old and I have know her for almost 20 years. We have been in a relationship for almost 3/4's of that time. Been through hell with her and she has been there for me when I was in my times of need. She's a quiet person, doesn't hang out at night except with me on those rare occasions when she wants to go out. She isn't excalty a Jehovah Witness, but she walks in their steps. She drew the line when she was part of the Church when the Elders stated that she had to date within her Religion. Every New Years Eve for the last 6 years I have brought in The New Year with her. I've grown to her style and way of cooking which is healthy. Even though she sleeps in her own bed when I spend the night or weekends with her, our sex life is great. She has told me 'no' a total of 2 times in the whole time that I've known her. She is perfect in my eyes.

The other one is 47 years old. I've knew her when I was in 8th grade in Jr HS. She lived in my building one floor below me. Her brother was my best friend, he pasted away about 10 years ago. Back then, even though I was seeing another young lady, we both always had a thing for each other. About 5 months ago, she found me through Facebook, so we got together. This led to that and end of sleeping together. She has 2 grown boys, 25 & 27 years old. The later is in jail and due to be released in April. There are other issues that concern her and he boys, but I won't go into it. To me its a little uncomfortable. When we were reliving our past, hers to me, seems as if she always has to prove herself. Fights, police and arguements are nothibg new to her. She just moved into a new apartment and her 25 year old is there with her, he sleeps in the livingroom. She says she has love in her heart for me and I care for her a great deal, but there is a difference between the two of us. A difference that I have a hard time explaining to her. I guess she is at that age where sex doesn't mean to her as much as it means to me, which is a very big problem for me. 

Today I was suppsoe to meet her at her new place when she got off from work. I just started a new job and my hours are from 3am to 12pm. Its easier for me to leave from her place, trainstation one block away. She texts me at 5pm tells me she stayibg late to 9pm, so I go to my other friends house which is an hour and a half away and I have to take Metro North and then the train to work, no problem.

Like I said I have to make a decision...hard to do. Two different type of woman. One makes me totally happy, but lives a great distance away. The other is less than 1/2 hr away, but there are issues...main one is the lack of sex.

A New Place

This is the view from her new place, her apartment. Was there for about 3 hours, went shoppibg with her for curtains for all the rooms. Tried talkibg her into 'breaking' the apartment in, but she said that there was no bed. I told her that's why us older men love younger women, cause they know how to get down even if there isn't a bed avaiable. Now she's a littlw bit worried cause that's what I want and she doesn't feel comfortable doing that. Oh well.

Soh I went into the livibg room and sat down, took out my Kindle and started to read. She comes in and says that's what she likes most about me, that I'm always reading something. I told her to turn around, she did. I told her that from what I read on her ass, its says that its all mine.

Just a Rant, Less a Rave

Yesterday, I went to a childhood sweethearts apartment in which she is living with a friend. The friend and her husband were out of state, but the daughter, boyhfrind and their child were there. My friend was babysitting. First off, her reaction to haven't seen me in 3 weeks was cold. Hey, some things came up and I had to take time to even them out. My business is none of her business.

I went to kiss her, but she turn her cheek, told me that I was under punishment or something like that. She wanted to know where I've been at, told her nowhere just somethings I had to straighten out with family. So for 2 hours I sat there makibg small talk and she was really cold towards me...no problem. The kid parents came back home. Intorductions were made and they started having they're own conversations with out me. Me, I went online with her laptop.

I think inlformation is a key to everythibg that I do, I want to know about everything. I logged in to a news feed and they said that Whitney Houston had just died, I mentioned it to them. They didn't believe me. An hour later it camw on TV, now they believed. So I'm still going to websites, logged on to a magazine website to read what articles they had. One was of STD's, they had a registry or somethibg so I clicked on it. That's when all hell broke loose.

'What are you trying to say, checking to see if I'm clean?' No really, I was checking to see if my name was there. Of course she didn't believe that. I don't and didn't know what to say.

Why Do You....

Listen I know that God didn't grace us all with a bodacious body. Some of us if not all had to work to get them that way. It takes time, lots of time really. Then you have to maintain that shape and some of you are getting stressed out over maintaining. Say all of this to say this this....

I accept you for who you are, it you who can't accept and realize that what you do to your body you have to be able to live it for the rest of your life. I'm involved with this woman who si so ashamed of the way her stomach is, that making love to her is either with the lights off or in one position. I told her that I accept all of her, she has the problem with not accepting herself.

Her not accepting herself messed up a what would have been a nice night/day spent. But wha she do? She blames me, then herself of a mis communication...BULLSHIT !! So, I told her the next time I see her, she is gonna strip down to her birthday suit with me stayibg in my clothes. And everytime I come over, she is to answer the door like that. If she answers with any clothing on and puts smething on, I'm going home. This is the same woman who is ready to play house with me. Ready to get a new apartment in both our names. We will see.

Age..Nothing But a Number...Right?

I've notice lately that I have been talking and admiring women more in my age bracket. It has nothing to do with their body type but I do like large women. Its conversations that I have been having with some.

This one women, 54 years old, is like a female me in a way. This women told me just what she likes in bed and all. I didn't have to ask her, she just came out and told me. All along I'm sayibg to myself, I want her. She has a boyfriend, told me that he doesn't satisfy her in bed, not use to getting what she normally has had duribg her 17 year relationship which ended cause he was cheating on her. She offered him her WHOLE body, if you kow what I mean. She asked me about me, and I told her.

What she wants is what I can't offer her. She wants me all to herself. I told her I'm not ready or will ever be ready to settle down with just one woman. How can a women, peole have and be around that same person day in and day out? Sex would not exsist any more between 2 people. Keep hearing it isn't all about sex, but it is.

Today I will see her again. Last time she asked for my telephone number. Told HER to think about it. Not unless you want to have me on the side, I won't give her my number.